'Dragging the Baftas into the gutter': Stephen Fry's 25 best jokes and quips

Stephen Fry onstage at the 2015 British Academy Film Awards
Stephen Fry onstage at the 2015 British Academy Film Awards Credit: Rex/Shutterstock

As Stephen Fry returns to host his 12th British Academy Film Awards, we look back at his best – and most effusive – Bafta moments

Back in 2001, a fresh-faced Stephen Fry made his first outing at the Baftas, wearing a velvet jacket, waistcoat and red silk cravat. “My lords, ladies and gentlemen,” he began. “It is my privilege, my pleasure, my erotic destiny, to welcome you all here.” Since then, the golden-voiced presenter has hosted British Academy Film Awards 11 times.

His stints as master of ceremonies haven’t provoked the same controversy as Ricky Gervais’s Golden Globes sets, but the former QI host’s line in faintly saucy humour has still ruffled a few feathers over the years: in 2002, the chair of the parliamentary Select Committee for Culture, Media and Sport complained to the Daily Mail that Fry was supposedly “dragging the Baftas into the gutter,” after he began the ceremony by welcoming “viewers at home, and in pubs, clubs and brothels around the world”.

Fry's joke about Jenny Beavan at the 2016 awards sparked outrage on Twitter
Fry's joke about Jenny Beavan (pictured) at the 2016 awards sparked outrage on Twitter Credit: Ian Gavan/Getty

In 2016, he caused another furore when he joked that the post-apocalyptic chic outfit sported by his friend, costume designer Jenny Beavan, made her look like a "bag lady". Although Beavan said she was "absolutely not upset" by the dig, many viewers were up in arms about what they saw as a sexist comment, and the resulting storm on social media led to Fry temporarily deleting his Twitter account.

Before Fry returns this Sunday night for his 12th year at the Baftas, here are a few of his best bon mots:

1. On the past: “The British Academy Awards started many, many, many years ago, when all around here was green fields… Sheep grazed in Leicester Square, and there was no Internet Movie Database to look up someone’s credits on when you wanted to pretend that you’d heard of them.” (2001)

2. On acceptance speeches: “I want you all, my lords, ladies and gentlemen, to think of this ‘kínēma’, this Odeon, as a kind of coliseum – and yourselves as ruthless, highly oiled gladiators. I am your emperor… your faintly deranged and perverted emperor. Should any speech go on too long, a hand signal will cue the release of four hungry tigers.” (2001)

3. In case they haven’t got the message: “Winners of awards are, of course, completely free to break down and cry during their acceptance speeches – but do bear in mind that I am also free to vomit.” (2001)

4. On Orlando Bloom: ”Under my stern tutelage, and carefully positioned guiding hand, [Bloom] found stardom... as a rent boy in Wilde.” (2002) 5. Getting into the spirit of things: “Cast off your wet, workaday clothes of doubt, cynicism and ennui, and slip into the shimmering gown of celebration, hope and enchantment. Let the tiara of joy encircle your brow, and the elastic pantyhose of festivity engirdle your most intimate parts.” (2010)

6. Plugging his own wares: “So successfully, inventively and faithfully have the Harry Potter movies translated JK Rowling’s vision to the screen, some have suggested – sacrilege though it may seem – that the films may actually be better than the quite brilliantly voiced audiobooks.” (2011)

7. On Penelope Cruz: “So popular that they’ve named a beach, a park and a leisure activity after her."

8. What the Americans bring to Bond: “So, half a century of James Bond. We are so proud of it. An enduring collaboration of dashing British style and eccentricity, and that very special American quality of – oh, what’s the word – money.” (2012)

9. On Bond’s Olympic arch-nemesis: “This year… 007 came up against his most formidable adversary yet – a steely, implacable foe who has run a secret, powerful syndicate for 60 years. As ever, Bond emerged victorious when, in the final scene, he threw Her Majesty out of a helicopter.” (2013)

10. Les Mis-classification: “Les Miserables, from the classic French novel, with music by Claude-Michel Schönberg, featuring stand-out Australian and American performances, is – of course – a British film.” (2013)

11. On The Hobbit films: “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey – a film I played a small part in, though my part remains in the cutting-room, thus making it, for me, The Hobbit: A Wasted Bloody Journey [… But] if they can find a way to squeeze – by which I mean, of course, ‘lovingly craft’ – another six films out of the slim volume that Tolkien wrote, you can expect to see me in The Hobbit 9: Are We Nearly Home Yet, Gandalf?” (2013)

12. On Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln: “Last year, I actually got several emails inviting me to join this film. ‘At last, the call from Steven Spielberg has come!’, I thought. Sadly, when I looked closer, I realised that I’d been invited to join LinkedIn.” (2013)

13. On his new facial hair: "I've a very strong feeling that I'm not the only actor who's come here this evening with a beard." (2013)

14. David didn’t know who he was dealing with (or, ‘with whom he was dealing’)

After David O Russell collected his Best Original Screenplay gong with a heartfelt – but grammatically incorrect – speech, Fry stepped in to correct him: “If you’re going to win for writing, you can at least speak properly.” (2014)

15. On overly grateful acceptance speeches: “If you are given a cup of tea, it is customary to say thank you. However, you don’t then go on to thank the kettle, the cup, the milk, the cow, the tea-picker…”

16. On Oprah Winfrey: "Her performance was so moving in The Butler, I almost gave mine the afternoon off." (2014)

17. On Gillian Anderson: “She's utterly bilingual; she speaks fluent English and flawless American" (2014)

18. On Alicia Vikander“A woman so Swedish she comes flat-packed.” (2014)

19. On 12 Years a Slave: “It filled me with a mixture of shock, fear and horror that I haven’t experienced since seeing myself naked in Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows.” (2014)

20. On Hollywood’s lack of eligible bachelors: “It’s been a tough year, with both George Clooney and me being removed from the matrimonial market” (2015)

21. On that scene in The Revenant: "When my agent told me I’d been booked to do a bare scene with Leonardo DiCaprio, I did cartwheels." (2016)

22. On Eddie Redmayne: "He has been a man trapped in his own body, a woman trapped in a man’s body and, if I had my way, a man trapped in my basement." (2016)

Eddie Redmayne in The Danish Girl
Eddie Redmayne in The Danish Girl Credit: AP

23. On Jenny Beavan's Mad Max-inspired outfit: "Only one of the great cinematic costume designers would come to an awards ceremony dressed as a bag lady." (2016)

24. Introducing Rebel Wilson: "She was perfect in Pitch Perfect, she was too perfect in Pitch Perfect 2, and I have no doubt she'll be three perfect in whatever they call the next one." (2016)

25. On McCarthy-era biopic Trumbo: "I believe you're already planning a modern day sequel, where bigotry stalked the land and progressive thought is banned from America. Working title: Trumpo." (2016)

 

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