The 10 most cringeworthy moments of Eurovision 2017: Terrible hosting, inappropriate kissing and terrifying Norwegian teenagers

It was never going to go well, was it, having three white men hosting a Eurovision Song Contest that strove to "celebrate diversity"? But Oleksandr Skichko, Volodymyr Ostapchuk and Timur Miroshnychenko might have been forgiven had they actually been funny. 

Alas, it was not to be; from the off, the trio's laboured delivery of weak jokes ("He's a fact machine. Like a love machine, but with facts") made us all miss Petra Mede, Sweden's sarcastic 2016 host, all the more. 

2. Moldova's wardrobe malfunction

One semi-final and countless rehearsals later and Moldova's sassy backing dancer-singers still hadn't mastered the on-stage flip between their "pre-wedding" cute top-and-skirt outfit and "wedding" bridal gowns. Of course there was a kerfuffle. Of course a hemline got stuck somewhere in the upper thigh area. Thank goodness for the saxophone dance. 

3. Azerbaijan, in general

Consciously edgy pop star Dihaj had a fair amount going on in the stagecraft supporting her song, Skeleton. She started off amorously climbing the walls of a graffiti-covered blackboard box, which she shared with a man wearing a horse's head. Then the box unfolded, and she started drawing on the backs of her backing dancers. Then she took off her jacket. Apparently she left behind some chalk. She's just "kooky" like that.

4. Spain's Californian vibes

"This is the band McFly could have been", surmised The Telegraph's Eurovision Song Contest expert Charlotte Runcie. Alternatively, Spain's Manel Navarro is a band version of the man who always plays Wonderwall, unwarranted, in every hostel around the world. Their song, Do It for Your Lover, seemingly consisted of one lyric: "Do It for Your Lover", and was accessorised by Hawaiian shirt and a "rocking" VW camper van. The Beach Boys didn't serve up Pet Sounds for this. 

5. Demy, from Greece, struggling to hit her high notes

Some would say you shouldn't put pop stars on a pedestal, but Greece chose to defy that wisdom and put their entry, Demy, on just that. She failed to reach the top notes during the semi-finals, but it didn't stop Greece from making it through to the final, where she proceeded to miss them again.

6. Belarus's over-zealous kissing

Naviband are a couple, don't you know? Real-life, not-for-show, genuinely-in-love boyfriend-and-girlfriend. They are not remotely related. Not at all. 

In case this wasn't apparent from their matching, all-white outfits and the three albums Naviband have released in their native Belarus, Artem Lukyanenko wrote Story of My Life to explain their co-dependence. But this was all in Belarusian, so just to hammer the point home, he gave band mate and love of his life Ksienija Žuk a massive snog at the end, leaving 200 million international viewers feeling like they were intruding on something. 

7. Sweden's Lads Out on The Town

Robin Bengtson was performing for Sweden as a solo artist, but the shiny-suited singer brought along a small crew of similarly costumed "lads" to tell us that he "can't go on / when you look this freaking beautiful". Their choreography largely consisted of undoing blazers and toe-tapping, like a Burton runway show. It was, essentially, an artistic interpretation of bankers enjoying a drink after a long week in The City. 

8. Romania's sexy yodelling

Mixing hip-hop lite beats (think Kelly and Nelly's Dilemma, of 2003 fame) with yodelling is possibly peak Eurovision. But what made Ilinca and Alex Florea's Yodel It most uncomfortable was the scenes of their pre-performance mini-break that went on before they took to the stage. We're still not sure what was going on with the phallocentric cannons. 

9. Jedfjord

We had only just recovered from Bulgaria's entry celebrating his 17th birthday mere days ago when viewers were assaulted with the disarmingly barefaced youth of Norway's jury representatives. The identical twins won immediate comparisons to peppy X Factor gremlins and 2011 Irish Eurovision entry Jedward, which led to a lot of portmanteau fun on Twitter, because word games help keep the terror away.

10. Too enjoyable to be cringeworthy, but worth a mention nonetheless: Croatia

The self-duet has been a staple in drag theatre for decades, but Jacques Houdek elevated the form to new levels for Eurovision 2017. The concept of Croatia's song My Friend was that there were two ways to approach life: one was that miracles never happened, the other was that they happened every day. And, lo, Houdek began to sing with himself. One half of him was operatic, the other a cheeseball American-accented pop star. One wore a suit, the other a silver fingerless glove. Both were brilliant, and projected onto the screen behind him. One of the Eurovision greats.